Community Starts as an Inside Job
When you begin the personal work of rediscovering and reclaiming your voice, you set yourself up to show up as your whole self in all your relationships.
January 4, 2020, from an Instagram post from @onsiteworkshops
Getting comfortable with your voice is the invitation toward true community-Miles Adcox
Do you like me? This will always be the question that stifles my voice. It doesn’t matter how authentic I think I am in a given moment, when I step back and wonder, do you like me, I have had my butt handed to me again. There’s no way I can truly be authentic me, if at the core of our interaction, I’m asking: Do you like me?
I have always been known as an authentic person. What you see is what you get (WYSIWYG for techies) It’s how I see myself showing up in this world going all the way back to my 8th grade year. The deep truth of my 14 year old self was that I desparately didn’t want to stand out for the wrong reasons, and at the same time, I couldn’t stand the mold of the typical, popular middle schooler.
I wanted to belong AND hold my ground as an individual.
I was at my best friend’s party and it felt like all around me people were acting like sheep instead of authentically. I was known as a brown sheep, I’m pretty sure. I said things that were awkward. My home life was awkward- divorced parents. We did not have enough money to make it easy to fit in. And I was in a place in life that left me lonely and insecure. Eighth grade is hard. It’s difficult to say why exactly I found myself in a conversation with my friend’s mom at that party about fitting in, giving up, and going with the flow. Becoming someone I didn’t agree with to make peace with myself and my peers. I felt so conflicted. I could tell my friend’s mom was also conflicted. I sensed that in spite of enjoying her daughter’s popular and pretty place in life, that she really did feel for me and considered it a shame for me to give in this way. I was a bit too much then, and I’ll admit, in many ways, I still am.
Dilemma: I’ve perfected being likeable. I figured out how to be authentic and likable. (um, do you still like me, now that you know this about me? Maybe you already knew this, and you’re still here in spite of it? How long do you think our friendship will last- longer than the first time I show you who I really am?- this stuff is REAL)
I cannot be authentic and ask the question do you like me?
If my truth is connected to you liking me, then my truth is bent toward the space between us. I will show up differently to different people. A chameleon.
When you begin the work of rediscovering and reclaiming your voice, you set yourself up to show up as your whole self in all your relationships.
This summer began a renewed quest to be authentic without strings of likability attached. I could feel a shift in my confidence as I grew in this area. The catalyst and motivation for me was a shift in work. I transitioned from office work at a tech company to coaching. To be good at my work, I have to show up in my full self, fully attentive to my client, and prepared to say things that don’t always give me a tidy, likeable place to end the conversation in. I ask hard questions from a place of being loving and beneficial, oriented toward the client’s well-being, not my own. I am grateful for this work and I love what happens when my ego takes a back seat.
Certainly, this is a work in progress. My awareness and confidence does not equate to a smooth implementation of the new system, best noticed in my closest relationships and community. If community starts as an inside job, then shifting mindsets is mission critical. Understanding my internal software is a great start, and the Enneagram has helped me see the lens that most shapes how I show up in life. Identifying what motivates me, my tendencies, behaviors, and emotional patterns are all part of the inside job. Community starts inside, being who I am, rather than who you need me to be.
The community that forms around who I am rather than who you need me to be is surprising. People I thought would be in my life forever have stepped away- yes, that was painful and still feels prickly. But new people have arrived for the party. I have to believe that who I am is enough, in order to create authentic community. I am reclaiming my voice and setting my intention to show up as my whole self in all of my relationships. (Goal for 2020)
Three next right steps I’m taking:
Notice when I leave a conversation and feel weird or uncomfortable. Get curious about it. Ask, what about that left me feeling that way. My best answer will begin with what in me reacted to the person? Maybe a value, standard, or boundary was crossed. Maybe I’m just not sure the person will like me after we part ways.
Take time to be still and reflect. Listen to my thoughts. Follow them and see if I can find the root.
Breathe in deeply, and as I’m exhaling, ask myself if that the person/ relationship who unnerved me is important enough to hold space for. Is he or she important enough for the energy required to work through being authentically me: inside first and then my community. Giving space to be curious will open the door to knowing. Is this a lifelong friend, spouse, neighbor, coworker or casual acquaintance? My closest friends are the ones who know me fully.
Please leave your comments. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to disagree and tell me why or add to this. Let’s consider this an ongoing conversation.